The first thing I heard her say to me after the second night we began to live with her was, “I hope you opened your legs wide for my son to really hit it”
I turned, she was standing there, smiling at me with a too familiar look on her face.
I was so shocked, I looked around to see if anyone had heard her. There was no one in the backyard that time.
I said to myself, “Thank God nobody heard this stupid woman!”
The “stupid” woman is my mother-in-law.
This woman is a bible carrying woman in her late 60s o; those “mother in Israel” looking types!
My husband and I share a three-bedroom flat with her. We had to move in with her because the two bedroom apartment we rented had been sold without us knowing; the agent who rented us the apartment scammed us.
One day, people just came and pasted something on the gate and we were told we had to move out in three months. Money for a new house was simply out of question.
My mother-in-law was living alone and after we lamented she asked us to move in with her…that’s how come, o!
It was meant to be a temporary arrangement until we raised enough money for a new place for ourselves…that turned out to be easier said than done.
So we took one room; mummy the other while our stuff and hers filled the third room. As you can imagine as a husband and wife that haven’t got any children yet, we tried to have babies…you know. But I usually do not even enjoy sex.
The second night, mummy met me at the backyard as I was spreading washed clothes on the line and said, “I hope you opened your legs wide for my son to really hit it. Let him hit it so deep babies will pop out!”
I said, “Mummy! What is this?”
In my mind, I was like, “Is this how a mother should be talking to her son’s wife?” Shouldn’t she be more…more, you know, now? She shouldn’t even be so bold, so outspoken. She must have been hearing us from her room…I know we can get loud at times but… haba!
Anyway, I said, “Mummy, I don’t know what you are talking about” and just continued to spread the clothes.
“You should arch your ass up and receive the full force of his penis…”
I was scandalized, “Haba, mummy! Haba, you shouldn’t be saying this to me!”
She said, “Are you a baby? You don’t know how to fuxk a man? As he brings it to you, receive it with full force; you are married to him, you are behaving like a virgin, widen your legs and give him the full benefits, joo… with the size of manhood my son has, you should be shining like a new coin this morning.”
I just felt this was too much! I mean, I am no prude but for a mother to be talking about her grown son’s manhood, haba, you realise this is…this is not right! I mean, it’s just not normal! So all this bible carrying is for what?
What mother talks like that?
So I quickly finished my business backyard and ran inside…she followed me.
“So you mean you are still behaving like a virgin and giving him missionary style?”
That was when I decided, you know what, let’s have this conversation.
“Mummy, why are you talking about your son’s sexual prowess like it’s something of pride? Why are you concerned about how he gives it to his wife?”
She said, “Well, I want him to have children but even if he doesn’t yet, I don’t know what your plans for babies are but you people should have fun, stop holding back. I heard you groaning like you were in pain. You should steady your waist to receive the full impact of his thrusts, I know the son I have, he has a full pack. They are well endowed on his father’s side; I know what I’m saying.”
I was ashamed for her. I mean, it was funny but not funny again, I mean, she is my mother-in-law…!
And it is true my husband is…well…e get am…na man e bi but I didn’t feel good talking about it with his mother. I don’t even talk about it with friends not to talk of his mother.
Anyway, I soon realized mummy enjoys hearing us from her bedroom because some mornings after a night of sex, she would tell me, to change positions…I mean…
“Try standing in front of the mirror and let him hit it hard from behind.”
Then I began to wonder, was she also peeping at us?
I blocked the key hole and many times afterwards, I just wasn’t in the mood, knowing mummy was either listening or may even be pleasuring herself when we are having sex because you see, I just didn’t understand this perversion.
When I tried to discuss my unease with my husband, he said I shouldn’t mind his mother, that she was idle and needed someone to talk to…
I found out my mother-in-law was a hot babe in her days; she ran through men like hot knife on butter with countless broken hearts. I also found she meant well, perversion or not. This was just her thing.
Well, we have lived with her for two straight years now. She keeps giving me sex tips, she even introduced me to herbs, which I have begun to take and yes, I have begun to enjoy sex with my husband and we are still waiting to have kids but in the mean time, I still feel like mummy is sitting there watching us every time we make love. Like she hears everything and her son doesn’t even try to be silent, he must moan and shout!
(Series written and edited by Peju Akande and based on true stories)